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ziloo
November 4th, 2008, 07:53 AM
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.


ziloo :biggrin:

ziloo
November 4th, 2008, 08:10 AM
On a movie forum, someone had asked everybody to list the
movies that made them cry and one the fellows
had listed (true story):

Ernest Saves Christmas: I don't remember much about this movie,
but I do remember what made me cry was that Santa Claus was
treated rather badly in it at points, and I felt rather sorry for
the character.

Silent Running : those poor little robots!!!

:biggrin:

ziloo
November 4th, 2008, 08:18 AM
In a small desert town, a guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender
"About how big are penguins?"

Surprised, the bartender spreads his hands about one and a half feet apart and
says "about yay big."

The man looks terrified screams "DARN! I JUST RAN OVER A NUN!"

:biggrin:

p.s. intended only for fun...

ziloo
November 4th, 2008, 08:50 AM
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and
I can't remember the other two...”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that
even a bargain costs money.”
Edgar Watson Howe


“ We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller


“Start every day with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C. Fields


“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
Will Rogers


“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job,
not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have
the same choice we've always had: work or prison.”
Tim Allen


“I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen


“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.”
Erica Jong


“Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard


“In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.”
Joey Adams


“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
Henry Youngman


“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?”
Benny Hill

:biggrin:

Terry Yager
November 4th, 2008, 02:14 PM
LSD has three known side effects: Enhancement of long-term memory, loss of short-term memory, and...I forget the third one. -Timothy Leary

--T

ziloo
November 8th, 2008, 07:40 AM
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none...... So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to
shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around,
you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have
42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because
you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from
the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to
buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the
black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't
figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English.
Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

:biggrin:

ziloo
November 8th, 2008, 09:30 AM
VC Forum
You have two cows. One is young and produces enough milk
for the whole family. But you like the other cow that is old,
gives no milk, or even if you squeeze out a few drops ....it is all yellowed!
You spend every dime you have to get more old cows that everybody is
trying to send to the slaughter house.

Please feel free to post your version...

:biggrin:

Jorg
November 8th, 2008, 09:39 AM
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said,
"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Terry Yager
November 8th, 2008, 02:44 PM
You own two dogs. One spends all her time sleeping. The other spends all his time licking his private parts. In a fit of envy, you shoot the dog. In prison, you learn to give milk. The other dog learns to lick her private parts. All is good.

--T

Druid6900
November 8th, 2008, 07:50 PM
You have one sick puppy.

His name is T.

You don't WANT to know what he does.

Terry Yager
November 9th, 2008, 08:04 AM
You have one sick puppy.

His name is T.

You don't WANT to know what he does.

Why thank you.

--T

Terry Yager
November 9th, 2008, 09:42 AM
Two guys are walking to the beer store. They see a dog licking himself. Dude sez, "Damn, I wish I could do that!" Other dude replies, "Offer him a treat, he'll prolly let ya!"

Later...

Same two guys, kickin' it back at the crib, hittin' their fo'ties. Dog in the corner, licking himself:

Dude#1: "I still wish I could do that, TO MYSELF!"
Other dude: "If I could do it to myself, why the hell would I have a dog?"

--T

ziloo
November 9th, 2008, 10:57 AM
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to
cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of
his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a
doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog.

Our beloved Terry was watching this from across the street.
"Excuse me, sir," he calls to the blind man, "are you aware that
your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes," replies the blind man. "A dreadful habit, which I'm trying to
break him of."

"Well, it's none of my business," says Terry, "but you're not going to
teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"

The blind fellow chuckles, and says, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just
trying to locate his head so that I can accurately kick his a$$!"

:biggrin:

Terry Yager
November 9th, 2008, 11:22 AM
Aw, c'mon, z...you can do better than that! How 'bout sum'n original, like:

"Yo momma so fat, she hadda rent the Marianas Trench for her baptism!"

...or even more cerebral, like:

"Yo momma so stank, she gave herself Gulf War Syndrome!"

Put that great mind of yours to use...

--T

ziloo
November 9th, 2008, 11:31 AM
Come on Terryyyyyyy...........we got to keep this G rated...

Q: What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while sleeping?

A: Diarrhea.

:biggrin:

Terry Yager
November 9th, 2008, 11:38 AM
OK, how 'bout, "Yo momma so fat, her baptism caused a tsunami in Asia!"

Dat ain't so raunchy is it?

--T

Terry Yager
November 9th, 2008, 12:00 PM
...or even: "Yo momma so ugly, the dog won't even try to hump her kankles!"

--T

ziloo
November 9th, 2008, 12:01 PM
Q: What ever happened to that romantic blind skunk?

A: He fell in love with a fart!

:biggrin:

Druid6900
November 9th, 2008, 06:28 PM
Seems I started a downward spiral....

ziloo
November 11th, 2008, 05:59 AM
The first snake says, "I hope I'm not poisonous."

The second snake asks, " Why?"

The first snake goes, "Because I just bit my lip!"


................. And the fall continues...


:biggrin:

ziloo
November 11th, 2008, 09:19 AM
The first bacteria: "did you hear what he just called me?"

The second bacteria: "oh come on...he is just pulling your flagella!"


:biggrin:

Terry Yager
November 11th, 2008, 11:38 AM
Why was Sadam Hussein hanged?

They couldn't find enough Iraqi sharpshooters for a firing squad.

--T

ziloo
November 12th, 2008, 04:53 AM
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says,
"Um, er, no. What happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sickies out there!"


:biggrin:

ziloo
November 15th, 2008, 11:02 AM
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service and soon finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.

The man looks out the window at the gorilla... "Boy," the man says.

"Great, I'll be there in five minutes," says the service guy.

Five minutes later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a pit bull,
a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. He looks at the man very seriously
and says, "Listen. I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with
that stick until he falls. When he does, the trained pit bull will bite the
gorilla's &^%$&*^. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself,
allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

"What's that shotgun for?" the man asks.

The service guy replies, "if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does....shoot the pit bull."


:biggrin:

Terry Yager
November 16th, 2008, 07:45 PM
So, a woman calls her husband at work and sez, "I got bad news for ya, honey...I plowed my car into the kitchen!"
Man hollas, "How da hell did ya drive your car into the kitchen?"
Wifey replies, "I took a right at the living room sofa...!"

--T

ziloo
November 22nd, 2008, 07:07 AM
Two fellas had been standing at a river for hours trying to
catch a fish and nothing had come their way. A little kid shows up
across the river with his tiny pole and throws the hook in the
water, and in a few minute he catches a fish. Two fellas look at
each other... "beginner's luck....".

The kid puts another bait on the hook and throws it, and before
long he catches yet another fish, and a few minutes later...another
one and another one and...

The two fellas cann't stand it any longer and one of them shouts:
"Hey kid...how are you catching so many and we are catching none?"

The kis shouts with a closed mouth:
"kmmm y mmm wmmm"

Confused, the man asks:
"What?"

The kids straightens up and tries louder:
"kppp y mmmm wmmmm!"

The man yells again:
"Why are you talking like this?"

The kid spits a mouthful of something in his hand and now
with an empty mouth yells:
"..........Keep Your Worms Warmmm!"

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 13th, 2008, 11:13 AM
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: Are you kidding......it scares the heck out of the dog!

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 13th, 2008, 11:17 AM
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove that they are the best at doing what they do.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! ........I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

:biggrin:

Zeela
December 14th, 2008, 12:31 AM
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?






A: A bad golfer goes: Whack! Darn! A bad skydiver goes: Darn! Whack!

ziloo
December 14th, 2008, 01:06 AM
That is a good one Zeela :biggrin: !!!

ziloo
December 18th, 2008, 11:27 AM
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Give a man a fish and he shall eat for a day;
give a fish a man and it shall eat for weeks...


Those who believe in telekinetics.........raise my hand!


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...


To err is human but to really screw things up.......you need a computer!


The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable!!!


About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is
to steal with good judgment (that is what I am trying here!).

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 20th, 2008, 04:35 AM
Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat.
Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the
pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home
plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you
gotta call the game and start all over again.


:biggrin:

Terry Yager
December 20th, 2008, 07:31 AM
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.

Hey, those mud slides are a real beyotch too.

--T

ziloo
December 20th, 2008, 08:33 AM
Hey, those mud slides are a real beyotch too.



:clap: :happy7: :lolsign:

Very good one Terry...

ziloo :biggrin:

ziloo
December 21st, 2008, 05:13 AM
I have a riddle that I learned from some very clever kids
who are also very calculator enthusiast! I picked it because
it was very musical...

With pointed fangs it sits in wait,
With piercing force its doles out fate,
Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might,
Eternally joining in a single bite.

What am I?

For those who have no interest in waiting/thinking, the answer is
in the attachment!!!

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 23rd, 2008, 11:36 AM
Whose crude idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Well, it took me a while to figure this one out :roll:!

ziloo
December 23rd, 2008, 11:43 AM
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep :sneaky:.

That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 24th, 2008, 01:11 AM
If Gawd had really intended men to fly,
he'd make it easier to get to the airport...


:biggrin:

Dr_Acula
December 24th, 2008, 05:15 AM
Re: "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep"

Beauty is indeed only skin deep. Ugliness goes right to the bone.

I met someone once who fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

ziloo
December 24th, 2008, 05:49 AM
.......and hit every branch on the way down.

That's really funny Doc :grin: ! Now is that an Aussie slang or just an expression?

ziloo

ziloo
December 26th, 2008, 03:38 AM
An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights,
and after a while, he finds himself in desperate need for public restrooms :cloudmad:.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he was about to "solve his problem", a London police officer,
sees him "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to
a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden
he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels
much more comfortable :happy5: .

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer,
"That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replies the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."


:biggrin:

ziloo
December 26th, 2008, 10:59 AM
- Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

- No...

- He sold his soul to Santa!


:biggrin:

ziloo
December 26th, 2008, 11:07 AM
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"


:biggrin:

ziloo
December 28th, 2008, 05:49 AM
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

:biggrin:

ziloo
December 28th, 2008, 05:52 AM
The secret of success is sincerity!

Once you can fake that....you've got it made!


:biggrin:

ziloo
January 2nd, 2009, 09:06 AM
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, bugging me about
getting married, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,

"You're next!"

They stopped...after I started doing the same thing to them........at funerals :tongue2:!


:biggrin:

barythrin
January 2nd, 2009, 12:33 PM
A chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a physical engineer are stranded in the desert. A voice comes out of nowhere and creates a self refilling glass of water 10 feet away and says "This glass will always stay full of water, however to get this glass you have to take a step and every step after has to be half as long as the step before."

The chemical engineer takes a step, half of that step, and decides he can't get to the glass and runs away.

The electrical engineer thinks about it and says if you keep taking half steps, you'll never reach the glass so he gives up.

The physical engineer thinks about it, takes a large step forward, another half large step forward, then bends over and picks up the glass and walks off.

ziloo
January 8th, 2009, 11:26 PM
From "Pinky & the Brain" cartoon series, my two favorite laboratory mice:

Pinky: This is not as much fun as I had in that whirlpool of joy... back at the lab!

Brain: ................You have been playing in the toilet again, haven't you?

Pinky: Well....if you want to get technical....


:biggrin:

barythrin
January 9th, 2009, 08:15 AM
I liked (also Pinky and the Brain):
Pinky: "ooh ooh I know!.. Why not.. make pencils, that taste like bacon?!"
Brain: <slaps head>
Pinky: "oooohh.. even better.. make pencil flavored bacon!! :-D"

carlsson
April 24th, 2009, 09:08 AM
It just struck me: which monarch through time was best suited for marketing?

... it must've been someone of the so far eight King Adwords?! :-D